Finding Relational Balance

Relational balance falters when one person needs the other to feel safe or whole. A parent in a strained marriage or carrying childhood wounds may lean on a child for comfort. The child, loyal and loving, tries to meet that need. Over time, this can harden into dysfunction.

Years ago, I cared for a mother and son locked in a budding enmeshed relationship. She could not draw boundaries. She absorbed his pain, projected her own trauma onto him, and smothered him with anxious love and control. She tightly managed his world yet set no limits on how he treated her or others. By four, he was out of control. She was exhausted and indignant, insisting he was sweet while enabling every behavior. Her fear of becoming her own restrictive parents left him both fused to her and furious. Therapy was suggested. It was rejected.

Healthy relationships share respect, boundaries, trust, independence, support, and honest communication. Unhealthy ones invert those qualities: disrespect, codependence, control, deceit, and withdrawal.

If your relationship with your child feels off course, start with the mirror. What is your goal? If it is to raise an independent, grounded, loving, honest human, you’re aligned. Your goal is their self sufficiency and a plan to fly wherever they want to go, morally grounded of course. If not, pause and examine why. That may require professional help.

If your goals are sound, ask how you’re pursuing them. Are you pushing too hard? Is your child carrying your unmet needs? Are you seeking validation through their success? Are you leading or driving their train?

A healthy parent guides with boundaries while honoring a child’s intrinsic drive to grow. We model behavior rather than micromanage outcomes. Mistakes will happen. When they do, we discuss them openly, apologize when needed, and practice courage through vulnerability.

Parents must examine their motives. Are we serving the child’s growth or our own ego? We are the grounded adults in the room. If we abdicate that role, children are left without safe leadership. Addressing our own wounds is not indulgent; it is essential.

Lead with love, even when they are off base. You can never fail with love first.

Three words anchor relational healing: compassion, empathy, vulnerability. Empathy may be the hardest and the most necessary. Vulnerability models authenticity. It teaches children that mistakes are part of growth and ownership builds strength.

As Marcus Aurelius wrote in Meditations, “Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.”

In conflict, I often tell my children I care less about the particulars and more about helping both sides speak their truth without inflaming the moment. (This is so difficult)

The resolution matters more than the event.

We all stumble. Avoid rumination. Learn. Adjust. Move forward.

Parent better next time.

Love harder tomorrow.

Listen more.

Forgive faster.

Live better than you did yesterday.

Balance is not perfection. It is practiced courage.

Dr. M